Ha, no, sorry, I mean the other kind of jangle -- I find the second line really jarring in the ear, and even though the syllable count fits, the words feel crammed into the line.

Generally I can't think of anyone who catches Rilke's voice better than Mitchell, though. Liking anyone else's version of any Rilke poem is a real test of stamina for me, so I will probably come 'round in the end.