Careless whispered invocations

[radiantfracture]

Happy May Day -- here's a poem written in February and embedded in that season. It feels cruel to present you with snow on the First of May, but maybe I can write something warmer later, inspired by the day of turning.

Looking back, I see February's fatigue here; maybe that's one reason this wasn't accepted where I submitted it. Or I see a few points for revision, as always...

Anyway. Please don't get mad at me if it snows...



An invocation

call it back
read its soft notation
its flight – not as script –

call it back
in its own small language
of leaping – light – alarm
startle and rest
music of scent

the traces are clear
even while (pour out the salt for snow)
they fill and vanish

call her back
from under this bright lightless crust

let that fox hop
his red legs flags above the snow
beautiful and comic as he is
he will not catch her

nor will she be snared

i am afraid of this
defenceless drift of warm light fur

i am too tired to shout
too bulky to follow her under

you
whom i have given, unasked, for today
a coat of a certain shape
in order to make you visible
and to beg even more of you

please
be what you are
carve this dry cold earth
tunnel out halls, rooms, sinuses
swerves, switchbacks
holes for thought to seep through
nests from which to wake

Comments

[larryhammer]

Nicely wintery. I like what it's trying for and there's some excellent lines, but can see a few places I'd point to in a critique as could use some polishing.

[radiantfracture]

Thanks! What are your thoughts, if you don't mind sharing?

[larryhammer]

Briefly: a couple places, notably 2nd and 7th stanzas, I wonder if the line breaks are optimal; while a strongly contrastive word is needed at the place "bulky" is, the sound of that feels wrong -- it hits me with a dull thud instead of the striking Oof! that it needs.

[radiantfracture]

Oo...

You mean a sound more like "thick" is better than "bulky"?

Or maybe expand that image

hmm

I will think on it

Thank you!

[larryhammer]

"Thick" is good. Something with more stops and/or plosives, and the thin "i" is a nice break from too/to/shout and slant-assonates well with "tired"

[larryhammer]

Meant to say, expanding the image with something that correlates with "tired" (ponderous?) while also conveying size would be excellent.

[sovay]

you
whom i have given, unasked, for today
a coat of a certain shape
in order to make you visible
and to beg even more of you

That's lovely.

[radiantfracture]

Thank you.

[cmcmck]

Where's the 'like' button? :o)