September

[radiantfracture]

I'm so full of nonsense, though.

Honestly.

Sad had its claws in me today. I took it out with me and walked it around, and as night fell and I was carefully brushing and arranging my self-pity I realized I'd actually done as many useful things today as I probably would have were I cheerful.

I went to the gym; I did the dishes (twice in one week!) (so now you know how well I cope during term) (oh, let's be honest -- ever); I met up with colleagues to do a little work; I made food with vegetables in it.

-- on the way home from the gym I found a cedar shelf left out on the sidewalk. I carted it home in easy stages, punctuated by bouts of positive visualization while leaning my head on the top plank. The wood needs refinishing, but it smells amazing.

-- a woman walking behind me took my elbow at one point and offered to help, but I was nearly home. And I had a sort of ghost to help me, too.

I had a vision of the difference between problems and anxieties -- the anxiety over the last few weeks has sometimes scaled up to a full-body scream, but I see friends with problems -- not worries or struggles or bad habits but non-negotiable, sometimes intractable problems -- and I see that most of what I think of as problems in my life as it is now are to do with how I engage the world (as incipient catastrophe, as unpredictable punishment, as indifferent beloved), not with actually having anvils dropped on me. And thus sad slunk off in embarrassment and refused to come back out. Which is not to say that I am epiphanically cured -- just that I am trying -- as K. would advise -- to feed other animals with my attention.

Well, that's still mostly nonsense. But the shelf is great.

{rf}

Comments

[sovay]

And thus sad slunk off in embarrassment and refused to come back out.

I must tell you that is an adorable image. I don't know what kind of animal you were envisioning, but my brain appears to have presented me with a fisher, sulkily grooming its fur and telling itself that it is too that bad.

[radiantfracture]

Ha. It's definitely a fisher *now*.

I notice that, like feeling sorry for myself, the fisher's conservation status is "Least Concern".

[cmcmck]

I'd love to see what you do with the shelf.

Cedar is such a lovely wood.

Oh, and hugs! :o)

[radiantfracture]

Thank you -- no matter how silly it feels afterwards, writing things out is awfully useful.

[shewhomust]

Shelves make everything better.

[radiantfracture]

Shelves and mugs.

[mdlbear]

So does cedar -- the combination sounds amazing.

[radiantfracture]

And it's like a monolith against moths, which trouble me from time to time.

[sabotabby]

Yay shelf!

In my experience, anxieties are ever-present, and sometimes relate to actual problems and sometimes do not. When I have actual problems, the anxiety is still there; when I don't, the anxiety fills in the spaces.

[radiantfracture]

Yeah, that. Trying to learn not to manufacture troubles to explain the anxiety.

& I've noticed that there are these grooves in my brain into which anxiety can flow and be alchemized into other emotions, like grief.

[katuah]

damn, that is an excellent metaphor. Grooves in the brain.

[lb_lee]

This thread was smart and made me think about my own anxiety today. So thanks for that! :p

[radiantfracture]

Awesome!